delaying instead of actually avoiding

all it takes is a single moment for that way too familiar feeling to come back. distant muffled sadness. is it all selfishness? what do i want exactly? why do i keep caring? as always i’m craving answers i might be scared about

seagulls may be evil creatures but i so missed hearing them everyday

it’s like when you zoom in and see that instead of a fluid, curved line there are many edges and they’re all small choices; words seem so pointless today

?

(the fact that it makes sense and it’s totally understandable doesn’t make it easier to accept) (but you know, it’s okay, and after all it’s probably how things are supposed to be)

“then why do we do it?”

it might be the last day of the year, but i really hope to fall asleep before midnight. what’s the point of being awake if nothing’s going on. it also seems to make sense as i’ve stayed awake all day and also most of last night. the story of a forgotten book and “see, it would have been perfect”. yeah. it would have been perfect, but that’s too difficult to admit sometimes, and we’re both so set on foreseeing everything that, in the end, it’s just unavoidable.

now i’m staring at this photo i just received of a place that yeah, it does look nice, but for the first time in what feels like a really long time, I feel like i am in the right place. at least for tonight.

“cancer”. and it’s so weird to see people finally saying the words they have been scared of. days in hospital are always so long but when i finally leave it feels like i’ve been daydreaming and just lost track of time; nothing was ever real, not the many different emotions i’ve seen and felt, not the lights, not the smell, not the dissociation, not the sad jokes, or even the good ones. and love oh love and real connections are so rare even in there, maybe even more, but sometimes they’re really shining and i can’t help but stare and wonder how can everything be so big and small at the same time. but in the end, love is all about pain, it always was and it will always be. i can appreciate other people but i only trust my reflection in the large windows in the corridor as i pace back and forth trying to create new images, since the ones i already have usually become two-dimensional so, so quickly.

.

home, still thinking about what could that ever mean for any of us and sometimes maybe it’s just being stuck in our own mind. i spent hours on my own for the first time in over a week and it has been quite a journey. i am still me and i am still scared of existing and so on. however i can see so much right now, everything seems possible aside from the fact that, and this is quite new and unexpected, words don’t seem to be relevant at all for the moment. or maybe they are but not right now and especially not here.

i’m literally feeling the weight of this blog’s history though so that needs to go

okay so it’s a saturday night and it’s officially the most uneventful day ever and i keep thinking about how everyone i know is doing something specific and i’m here just glad that this fever is getting better. is it just the pills working, will it be hell tomorrow, who knows. part of me wants to go back to Milan or London, but at the same time i know it’s not just that, and it’s not even loneliness, i really miss something but for the first time in a while, i don’t know what that is.

okay so it’s the first of december and i wish i had better words for my future me, i wish i could paint a better picture, but then i remember discarded paintings and videos and, oh well. i have no idea what the weather outside is, it’s definitely not snowing, but i think i’ll remember this day as full of sleep and snow. slightly, or maybe not so slightly, separated from the outside world. what does outside world even mean though, is that even a thing? everyone keeps saying that they want to go home, and i’ll reply that yeah, me too, but i’m way too scared of admitting that there is no such a thing for any of us.

for every new feeling